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Now I know what you’re thinking…
Evil Ducks, Evil Ducks, Evil Ducks, Evil Ducks…
No? Not that?
If he has this information on stand by, why is he not alerting the FBI or UN or Dumbledore?
WELL WE DON’T ALL HAVE A DIRECT LINE TO THOSE PEOPLE DO WE!!!???
I need to get the word out there, to put as many people as I possibly could on the lookout for these, these monsters, these scums of the Earth. And I only could think of one way, by writing about them on this post! Dear reader, I want you to consider your actions before you click away from this page. Your actions could save millions of lives! But think wisely. I write about these individuals to spread the word of their disturbing behavior and warn others to look out for the atrocious villainy. If, by any means, you come across one of these horrific scoundrels, do not approach them! Run to the authorities! Do not dare take them on by yourself!
So?
With all that being sweated out of my like 96% veiny face, it’s time to divulge the long-kept horrors of the duck community. Strap in and get the strap as we look into the most notorious, nefarious ducks the world has seen! Through me and my team (the voices in my head) and our research, we have identified the utmost duckiest criminals in the world as of today, Saturday. Now, read, at your own risk!
#3 :
Report Immediately
Experienced Killer on the Warpath Again
666” x 666” Blood print on Satan paper.
Saint Petersburg, Russia
When you see this menace, wading about in the water, you probably think to yourself, eh it’s alright because it just a bird doing bird shit. But you’re wrong! If by bird shit you mean secretly tending to his nuclear stockpile then yes! This is not just a duck but the creature known as the Volga Violator! An ex-member of the Spetsnaz who fled after committing numerous atrocities in the Soviet Era, he henceforth takes refuge in many a pond or stream. People feed him out of fear of being fed to him.
It is said that he bombed seven funeral homes in one minute. However, not during the Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan but on his lunch break to North Korea. (that’s why you’ve never heard of it before). Some research has revealed his webbed footprints on the scene of the Chernobyl Nuclear Reactor, suggesting Waterfowl play. Not to mention the millions in money he laundered out of the World Wildlife Fund, money supposed to go to ducks! When interviewed about these crimes, he bit the reporter and flew away with her finger to sell in on the darkweb. When someone bought it, he sent them a chicken finger instead!!
Verdict : About a 7 on the War Crime Richter Scale, to be Foie Grased immediately
#2 :
Danger! Trio of Confirmed Killers
Squad out stalking some rapids
666” x 666” Blood print on Satan paper.
Cappadocia, Turkey
Ever wonder why the people in Cappadocia used to build homes into caves and cliffsides? See, the mainstream media will tell you it was for defense but defense from what!? That’s right! These bastards…. grandparents. Yes, these three are siblings, coming from the infamous bloodline of murders who has singlehandedly stalked Cappadocia for decades. Their list of crimes is massive. For example, locals reported in 2015 that the three scoundrels have discovered a frequency of quack emission that spawns human mind control! And did they use this power for good!? No! You know what else was going on in 2015 when they started this shit!? The Syrian Refugee Crisis!
But wait, there’s more! We can account for the strangulation and chemical dissolvation (is that even a word) of 14 baby unicorns to their name in 2016 alone. Why do you think you’ve never seen unicorns before? Think people! Why do you think horses don’t like swimming? It’s because these guys love drowning them hoove-first! That’s right! The violence welcomes all comers. Back in the 90s, when these three were just getting their start in the duck underworld and were beginning to expand into Africa, they heard word that Mufasa was going to pass legislation to ban the distribution of Quackaine in his domain. Next thing you know, he’s dead! One can only wonder what they did with all that drug money…
Verdict : About a 9 on the War Crime Richter Scale, let them say hi to the Dodo
#1 :
Immortal Duck Genocide Cult!! I mean it! Respond in kind!
Battle formations formed to find the human sacrifice
666” x 666” Blood print on Satan paper.
Modern day Cairo, Egypt
Now I have to apologize to the remaining, evidently clearly delusional, duck fans out there! While you may have thought it was a recent phenomenon of ducks wilding and choosing violence, let me introduce you to the OG Duck Killers! Remember Ra? The Sun God? That was a bird! And these birds loved Ra! And so their crew was named the Sunset Flappers. They were a cult, with one thing in mind, genocide! Discovering immortality at an early age, the Egyptians did humanity a service by capturing them in images like this one so we can never forget! But, in doing so, they earned themselves a curse! Hence why the Ancient Egyptian Empire is no longer around! So, you ask, where are these ducks now?
That’s the thing! In fact, nobody knows where the Sunset Flappers are now! But we know what they’ve been doing! Death is like a muffin to them so they eat it up. They created the Bubonic Plague while fooling around in one of their sky labs and blamed rats for it. Then, they decided to drop Coronavirus on us and blamed bats for it! Some believe that, on direct orders from their big homie Ra, they flew the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs into Earth and just quacked it off like it was nothing! That’s the thing, they are an organized group who commits atrocities with murderous devotion to their higher power! Ever wonder why humans don’t have tails when monkeys do? Not really? Well okay, i’ll leave it alone then.
Verdict : Undoubtedly a 10 on the War Crime Richter Scale, we can’t even stop them, just accept our fate tbh
I can’t even write a long, dumb conclusion to this one. Ducks are just too scary and need to be stopped! You know the deal. Comment all that. Funny haha. But no! This shit is serious! And nobody recognizes the evil ducks-based danger the world is in! It’s absurd! I goose we’re all fucked then!
