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Canada?

As an American, the neighbor to the North has always appeared like a friendly local mailman. He comes to your house, with a smile painted on with permanent marker and delivers your mail while chatting you up about something that doesn’t matter nor concern him like the state of your lawn. It’s harmless small talk. You enjoy it. You talk about the weather. Maybe he has children. Maybe not. And, that’s it. Goodbye. It’s all squeaky clean, family-friendly fun indeed. You close the door. But then, there’s that night, July 1st, when you’re staring at the ceiling, breaking into sweats. You can’t sleep and you start to wonder to yourself, who is that guy? Does he have a life beyond mail? Likewise, does he have his own stories to tell?

Everyone Loves you!

While you, the US, or rather any top-tier country, deals with neverending chicanery like the protagonist of an action movie, it seems like Canada always plays the supporting role. Canada’s that character who watches from the sidelines and cheers on the main character. They always seem to play the compassionate wingman whenever the US has fallen too deep into its self-destructive tendencies. Okay, maybe it’s not a perfect analogy but Canada seems weirdly nice. Too nice. We don’t think of them as a place that can get as rough and rugged as the US, which is, obviously the benchmark for having a culture.

You’re doing good!

With that being said, one day when I was visiting Toronto, I realized something… Toronto is in Canada! Following this epiphany, I knew I had a duty to expose the truth of Canada to the world, in the name of washing away our ignorance! I wanted to discover the darkest secrets of the Great White North! Since culture is defined by bloodshed in this episode, I zeroed in there and perused the hard streets of Kensington, ears tuned in to the sound of Truth! So, after listening to hours of Drake and Smiley, I realized the horrific violence and terror Canadians were capable of! I had to investigate and divulge this dark side of the culture for myself. But, uh… I ain’t really tryna get killed or nothing, so I just ate a bunch of Canadian food instead!

Poutine?

Alas, when one thinks of Canadian food, one often doesn’t know where to start. That’s despite one being the first number! Get it!? What could they possibly eat? Snow? Licky boom boom down? Snow? Occasionally with Maple Syrup splashed over it? No! One particular dish springs forward: Poutine! What is Poutine, you ask? I don’t fucking know. Some shit with like fries, cheese curds, and gravy or something. It’s a Quebecois dish and luckily for me I spent the bulk of my time in Quebec, therefore gaining ample opportunity to eat the hearty delight!

So, with the 6 God’s blessing, I began my journey in Toronto. However, as he agreed to gift me a feature on the track of reviewing Canadian cuisine, I knew it was only right to come at these meals with some bars of my own! So henceforth, I will be attacking get vicious on these dishes, attacking not just by biting but also by spitting!

Verse I :

Uh, yeah, the angel meets the demon
Shawarma on fire, he's strangling the ceiling
Fries they drowned, new king with the crown
Never pulled from the River if kebab weren't around

[The Shawarma Poutine tasted spiffy, however, due solely to the undefeated hero that is Shawarma]

Verse II :

Keep it real, I forgot what this shit was
Flow effortless so I never look no shit up
Fresh meat bought the heat so I shut the puck up
Cheese curds made my teeth hurt, never too much love

[While the specifics of the meat in question are lost to time, their seamless integration into    Cheese Kurdistan brought fourth splendor]

Verse III :

Aight, here we go! Poutine dream take Tro
(That means three!)
Gravy keepin' a G uglier than you'll ever know
(Richard Nixon!)
Tastin' like yah, a step away from nah
(Shout out Capitalism!)
Man didn't like my French, so the tooth ooh la la
(I shot him!)

[This particular Poutine tasted commercial and bland. Just okay.  Tooth means gun. The vendor was unkind and they speak French in Quebec]

Verse IV :

Uh,too many verses? I spit curses at these currs that
Think that poutine is worthless, til they bite under the surface
It disturbs us they rehearse this acursed accusation
Defenestrating the gastronomic amalgamation of a nation

[Poutine and Canadian food in general is overhated often. This Poutine tasted eh but cool. It's   unclear the meshing potential of a Poutine and a BLT]

Chorus

Ooh ooh ooh Ooh whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa
Actually, Poutine is cool. I mean nothing special
but not bad either. I enjoyed the stuff I got but it's
not competing for best cuisine in the world or anything.
Of course, my sample size was limited anyways so I'm sure 
there are better spots out there. But for my money, Poutine
is a solid national dish! Idk if it even is their official
national dish but whatever! It gets a pass in my book! Go try 
some if you haven't and as the 6 God once said, Thank me later ;)

But wait, there’s more! In my quest for Canadian cuisine, I did find a few other (like two) things that were cool! So let’s see them in 3, 2, also no more Drake shit, 1!

Other Food in Canada?

Tim Horton’s is a Canadian fast food chain particularly serving coffee, pastries, sandwiches and the like. I had it once. It’s solid. The people were nice. It’s Canada. Justin Bieber.

Beaver Tail is first and fivemost, obviously not an actual Beaver’s Tail. It’s essentially like a long flat churro. It actually has its own eponymous restaurant chain like Tim Horton’s and you can eat it with chocolate, bananas, sprinkles, and more as toppings. Pretty tasty as a sweet treat if you ask me!

In Conclusion

So, I enjoyed Canadian food more than I expected to during my time there. Poutine itself is quite nice at times but not life-changing. Of course, having only visited two provinces, I’m sure there is much more out there. Remember, this post is mainly done for laughs and I don’t mean any ill will towards Canada or Canadian culture. Obviously, I’m just an ignorant American and that’s how we are. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed the post as much as I enjoyed making it. I may do something similar for other countries or cities I’ve visited so if you’d be interested or have any suggestions, leave them below. And I wish everyone a freshly served slice of a day!

About Post Author

I am the creator of the Globe Junkie and author of all this heat and/or trash you find on here. It's my first blog so don't hate! If you do, I'll wag my finger at you!

klandesvatter@gmail.com

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